HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
