At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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