If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
