watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
