He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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