i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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