my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
