were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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