I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
