What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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