I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
