Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
