So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
