Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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