did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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