Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
