he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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