I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
