i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
