i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I need to stop coming to work sober
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
