you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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