I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize