I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
