Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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