Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
