I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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