Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
