i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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