You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
