i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
