The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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