Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
