phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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