I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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