WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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