First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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