i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
