Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
