His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
