Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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