Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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