The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
