I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
