____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
