I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
