I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
