i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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