I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
