My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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