Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
