Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
