Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
