That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
