I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
