I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
